| Okay okay. |
[Aug0806] |
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I admit that driving by and seeing Phil kissing Jen made my heart fall into the bottom of my stomach. I still like him. Of course I want what I can't have.
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| Party. |
[Aug0806] |
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music |
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Chemicals React - Aly & AJ (lol, love |
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Phil. So today I saw him with a syringe. I really really really don't want to start this big ass rumor about him being a druggie or something because I really don't know anything about it. All I know is that it really freaked me out and I'm concerned about him. So there was that and then later on top of being drunk I saw him take 2 e pills. Yeah.
But even before that, when he was just drunk, he did kind of the same hug/kiss thing. Not trying to make out with me like he did before but just kissing my lips very... often. He had his arms around me (God, I forgot how good it feels to have someone hold me like that.) and was telling me about how he use to have this big crush on me and how I am honestly one of the most beautiful people he has ever seen (Of course I didn't believe any of this because I can't believe someone could actually like me like that or think I'm beautiful. That's insane). How am I suppose to respond to that? And he said he had a crush on me. What happened to that? Maybe it's because it kind of died because he felt so bad because of all those times he tried to kiss me and I never let him. He actually apologized for that again. But I really am curious about that.
About 20 minutes after taking the pills (which is when they should kick in, no?) I come in the back yard and see his face buried in Eric's shoulder and I think he was crying or about to. He was talking about how stupid he is and how he makes such bad mistakes. I thought he was on the phone with Jen a few minutes before that. This probably had more to do with the ecstasy than it had to do with me. Maybe it had nothing to do with me... but I was still worried about him. I noticed after that he didn't really talk to me. Hm.
So I really do not know what to do in this situation. Actually, I do. I should leave it alone. I should not get caught up in the whole drug thing but I truely care about him so I have mixed emotions about it.
I notice I do this thing when I talk to people I like... when I look at them I kind of make my eyes big and basically try to set my face in a way that is as attractive as I can get it. It's sick.
[I waited 4 hours to do this update.]
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| Let's see... |
[Aug0806] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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If You Fall - Azure Ray |
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I am so goddamn bored it's not even funny.
I'm slightly pissed again about the whole ride thing and Pet Aid. It's not for a long while and I can probably can get a ride. But it's just the factor of peoples' parents being douchebags. +cough cough+
I don't even know if I wish things had worked out differently. I still don't see me and Lesel being good friends anyway. Though I wish almost everything she did didn't piss me off so much. It pisses me off that Zack likes her more and I don't understand why he does. Possibly because I am just a bitch and I complain about everybody? Maybe. I want to call him and talk to him but I hate giving and giving to our relationship but getting nothing in return. How unsatisfying is that? He knows it bothers me too and I think he just flat out doesn't care about me enough to do anything about it. That has been the reasoning behind most of his actions and I just can't seem to face facts. Even if I do know that's how it is and that's how it will probably be forever I will stay in this situation because I have to be with him.
Oooh, I am weak.\
I would like my life a lot better if I had more friends who just loved everything and went with the flow all the time. People who lived to have fun and play and explore. Why can't there be more people like that in my life?
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[Jul0706] |
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music |
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Trashing Days - The Notwist |
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Last night I spent 2.5 hours on the phone with a boy that wasn't Zack. That makes me happy and for some reason I am proud of myself. I like this kid... he's sweet. He's giving me his copy of the 40 Year Old Virgin and he's going to burn me a CD of Lords of Acid and such when I see him.
I am more upset about the Julia/Evan thing now. He's all she talks about and she's the only person that I know I could see and hang out with. Now I have to battle that time with Evan... and when I'm with her all I hear about is how great he is. I don't want to stop her from being happy but I still want her all to myself.
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[Jul0706] |
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mood |
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bored |
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All I wanna do is play Munch's Oddysee. Everything else is boring me and I cannot be right with myself until I beat the game. AAAH. What to do what to do. I wish I had money so I could rent it. I am dying.
Plus I feel like crap and I'm pissed off about the whole Faerieworlds thing like no other. Like so pissed off I can't even show how pissed off I am because it kind of killed me inside. Yeah.
Then there is this Paul kid who is friends with Beth. I've been talking to him online for a week or 2. I've always thought this kid was adorable. He's real sweet, he gave me his phone number, and he wants to hang out tomorrow. Yes, I have met him before. But my stomach hurt so much when I even think about seeing him. Like if there is even the slightest chance of someone liking me then I go crazy. I start doing little things subconciously to make the person not like me. Why? I DON'T KNOW! It's like I'm afraid to be liked or to be happy.
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